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Okay. This post isn't going to flow. Let me warn you now. Scroll to the bottom if you want the tl;dr version.
So, I don't really know how to begin this post. Over this past summer I developed strong interests in two things. First, becoming a secret agency and dealing with intelligence. Second, becoming a better leader and more personable. I feel like there are some areas where the two overlap, but that such overlaps create uncertain voids, and I'm not sure how to deal with them.
What first comes to mind is the idea of letting people talk about themselves. Everyone likes to talk about themselves. Because what's more interesting than "the best night ever," or "oh my god you should have been there!" So one of the goals I set for myself to become a stronger leader and a better person was to limit the amount of talking that I did, and increase the amount of listening. From an intelligence perspective, this makes sense. One cannot be fully observant when actively speaking. It's much easier to observe and analyze when you are doing just that.
However, it has come to my attention now that people have noticed my lack of self-interest. I'd much rather hear your story from last night than tell my own. On some feedback that I recently got from a group of colleagues (including some close friends) I was told that they'd like to hear more about me; to get to know me personally. At first, I found this idea to be puzzling and obscure. I thought, why would anyone want to know about me? After talking about this with a few friends and some of my most trusted mentors, I'm beginning to think that people want to know more about me for a few reasons. First, I think it makes people uncomfortable when they realize that people know more about them than they know about the other. It gives a sort of potential for danger feeling. Second - and more appropriately - I think people want to learn more about people they care about. I think that being able to open up to someone conveys a level of comfort that one cannot obtain from simple observation.
At this point, I don't know how to handle my problem. I'm not good at talking about myself. So much of my life has been dedicated to helping, working with, and understanding others that it's tough for me to find any value in speaking about myself. When people ask me about myself, my answers are short, vague, and they often end the communication attempt. When I begin to re-engage the other person, I can clearly tell that my answers were unsatisfactory, and no amount of asking the other about themselves (incorrect pronoun; deal with it) can seem to remedy it.
What's worse, is that this unfortunate side effect of being a good listener seems to manifest itself most when I'm around people I like. People who I care about, and who care about me. I finally find people who are fascinating, who are genuine, and whom I respect, and they want to know more about me, and all I can say is "I'm okay. It's been a busy day. How've you been?" In that one blurb, they learn nothing about me, my feelings, or how my day really was.
TL;DR: In conclusion, it seems to me that there exists a paradox in interpersonal relationships. To show someone you care, you listen to what the person says. However, carried to the extreme, listening and reflecting can only serve to make the other person less comfortable because he or she feels that you are not being completely open. I don't know what the answer to this paradox may be, and I'm not sure that I ever will know. I guess it's just something to think about.
